Crash
by SkullBunnie
Summary: Ren crashed his car but he didn't die immediately. He protected his head and got himself out the car before falling into a coma. Nana sits by his side waiting, not caring about anything except the sleeping broken man. Will his eyes ever open for her again? Will he still be her Ren if he wakes up? Or will he wake up and wish he had died when he sees what has become of his hands.
1. Crash

**A/N This was supposed to be a Christmas present but I didn't quite like where it ends. After a lot of thought and failed efforts to add to the ending I decided to post it and try to write a part two later instead. So this is complete as it is but maybe expect a continuation next year. This is also an apology/peace offering. Don't hate me for taking down my other stories and not doing anything with them yet. Did I mention this is complete because it is. I have a few thoughts about how Nana could have continued without the whole car crash death thing, and this is one of them. I don't really listen to Sum 41 but I heard this song and thought, "Ren!"**

Crash -Sum41

Hold me now 'cause the time I've got's running out  
>No tears allowed even though we've become without<br>I just wanna feel your head laying on my chest  
>So hold me now as I take my last breath<p>

I don't wanna die, I don't know why  
>This kind of fate was meant for me<br>You gotta be strong, gotta move on  
>It's not how it was supposed to be<p>

**Ren**

It wasn't something I could blame on the paparazzi no matter how much I wished I could. I knew that it was my fault for speeding. The pain in my burning left hand was all because I had been reckless, and the numbness that was taking over my right hand and arm was all on me too. The same could have been said for the ringing in my ears and the disconcerting feeling of something oozing out of me, my blood I guessed. Searing hot pain over took most of my body as if consumed by flames, because I had sped up in that death trap sports car. It was with some pride that I watched the black cat runaway as I realized the fact it was still alive was also because of what I had done. It was gone but still I reached for it and that pride vanished when I saw that the hands I needed were now deformed, one of which was a melted mess with an R branded into its palm the other broken in various places thanks to punching and kicking my way out of the car in a panic. I stared at them in horror, the last moment of clarity I had before everything went black.

Peaceful and warm, dying is like resting in her arms. I could almost feel her hands petting my head, hear her voice singing a lullaby, but that couldn't have been her. Nana refused to sing for just me. Jolted from my death as if some one hand gripped my soul and forced it back down my throat I gasped for air as rough hands dragged me further away from the burning car I had barely managed to break my way out of. Two sets of unloving hands rescued me before depositing me on the cold ground. Dropping back into the snow I wheezed on smoke then looked up mentally cursing to see mosquitoes buzzing around above me. It was like they couldn't tell that I all wanted to do was sleep.

"No, no, no, Ren, stay with me. Ren," damn mosquitoes couldn't even let me die in peace. If they hadn't chased me down I'd be home by now. Warm and safe with my pretty Nana. "Ren, come on the ambulance is coming. Should I call some one else? Your agency? Takumi? Reira's closest." He reached into my scorched jacket to pull out a broken melted mess that must have been my cell phone.

My vision went black again for a second and I thought of the cat running out in front of my car and confusing me. Stupid thing had nearly killed me and then it simply ran away showing no concern for my well-being. I had the urge to wring its neck, its smooth slender neck, woozy I closed my eyes and my left hand searched for something in the snow. The usually cold metal had burned me, but I didn't care I needed it.

"Nana," my smoke clogged throat croaked out as I looked up at the man whose partner had disappeared.

The reporter looked down with sad eyes. "Of course you would want your wife. At a time like this," tentatively he picked up the chain which must have cooled in the snow. Kindly almost as if he had a soul he set the chain in my hand and I could hear his partner whimper as she reappeared. Moments later or maybe it'd been hours another sound interrupted my death. Loud blaring alarms designed to keep me from falling into a deep sleep.

"Do you hear that Ren? The sirens are getting close. If you don't hang in there, they will be unable to save you, and Nana will be upset. She's that type, the kind who gets angry and spiteful when you hurt her. Don't make her mad, not on her birthday." I wasn't sure anymore if I was mumbling to myself or if the reporter was speaking. All I could think of was that brokenhearted look on her face as I left her for Tokyo. Would she die when she heard the news or would learning that I had been on my way to get Reira make her hate me too much to join me? I didn't want to die alone. I didn't want to leave her behind.

The sirens stopped. Everything stopped and I was suddenly very cold. There was nothing and I couldn't move. My thoughts ran all over the place, bouncing from memory to memory, from one random thought to another never landing on one long enough for me to fully comprehend anything in my head. It was driving me crazy but what could I do when I couldn't even find my body.

I was floating somewhere and everything I knew was fading away from me. Ren Honjo wasn't even my real name, it was just given to me, not by my parents but by a stranger. My whole life things were just given to me and I had to show gratitude, even when I hadn't wanted them. I didn't want the orphanage, I didn't want their crappy clothes or bland food. I wanted a family of my own, not Yasu's, they had chosen him not me. No one ever truly wanted me, they wanted my music or my body, often they wanted both. Not me, whoever I really was outside of playing guitar, a drug addicted liar, who would want some one like that? In the end everyone chose Yasu, even her. He'd have her eventually now that I was gone. Then what would be left for me? A false image of a punk who didn't care what anyone thought of him? A guitar? A gift that had grown more and more into a curse.

_'Ren,'_ after what felt like an eternity trapped in a cold white light, something warm brushed through my hair. Fingers I noted feeling the soft stroke of long nails on my scalp. They slipped through the short strands and down the side of my face leaving a pleasant trail of warmth. 'Ren?'

Confused by tiny drops of rain falling against my face I wondered if we were still outside? But it was so warm they had to have brought me inside somewhere, and I was sure I was lying down on something soft. Was she crying? That silly girl was always so dramatic, crying over a little accident.

'Please don't leave me. I'll do anything, I promise. Kids, a nice little house by the ocean, and a fancy wedding, we can do all that. I'll be a good wife and mother. I will. I swear I'll quit singing and just be with you, just please don't leave me.'

What was she going on about? I wasn't going anywhere. If I did, wouldn't that solve everything for her? I would be gone and unable to object to her moving on with Yasu. She could mourn for a while then be with him guilt free. She could be free.

_'Please,'_ her nose pressed into my hair and she breathed her pleas for me to wake up over and over in my ear.

My left hand itched to lift to her face and wipe away the tears streaming down her cheeks. I could see her, at least I thought I could see her but she showed no reaction. I was sure that if my eyes had suddenly opened she would notice and react in some way.

_'Ren, please...'_ I didn't understand why I could see her sore red eyes but she couldn't see that I was awake.

_'Still asleep.'_ An unknown man in a white coat entered the room with a grim expression. _'And you are still awake. Didn't I warn you that we'd be forced to room you like your friend who stopped eating?'_

_'She isn't my friend.'_ Hoarse yet strong she declared herself an enemy of _'that selfish woman,'_ and went on to curse her very existence. I only caught fractions of what they had said, as everything was beginning to fade again. The harder I struggled to wake up the deeper asleep I fell until it all went back to blankness. Pure white and cold without my pretty girl to keep me company.

My body slipped out of my grasp for another stretch of eternity before her voice jolted me back to my body.

_'Damn it Yasu, I'm his wife! This is for me to decide not you.'_

_'It's been two months, Nana, Ren wouldn't want to waste away in a hospital bed. He'd want you to move on. He'd want all of us to move on and be happy. If you keep him like this we'll all be stuck in time with him.'_

_'I'm his family not you. I'm his wife and I want him alive.'_ Her head rests on my chest and her hand gingerly takes mine.

_'He's already gone. You're holding a corpse.'_ Takumi stated bluntly before leaving the room angry.

_'What do you know?'_ She grumbles kissing the scarred flesh of my chest. _'He can feel me, I know he can.'_

Tears slipping from beneath his glasses Yasu scolds her for not listening to the doctor. _'Involuntary spasms, that's all they are. His hand moves on its own not because he's squeezing your hand back. His eyes open and his lips move because he has no control over them. Ren, is gone.'_

Nobu comes over to stand behind her as if he could shield her from Yasu's words. The bald man sighed before making his exit.

_'You know I'm right.'_ The door shut behind him leaving the three of us in our silence. If I could have I would have said something about him being dead wrong. But then I fell back into oblivion my thoughts solely focused on waking up to her.


	2. Suggestions

**Suggestions - Orilia Has Orchestra**

**It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down**  
><strong>Oh i'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound<strong>  
><strong>Oh i plead for an answer, plead for an answer from you<strong>  
><strong>But if you give me an answer, that just makes no sense then whats the use<strong>  
><strong>And just like that my life is broken<strong>  
><strong>I can barely breathe<strong>

**Nana**

Right foot left foot, right foot left foot, right foot… there was something wrong with me. I had counted the tiles on the floor, the number of chairs in the room, how many people came and went; I knew exactly how many doctors and nurses had rotated in and out of there. There was a clock ticking above me somewhere, thought I couldn't find it, and I was so anxious that I had timed my steps with the ticks. Right foot down, tick, left foot down, tick, right foot down, tick, left foot down, tick, on and on.

Yasu watched me carefully but said nothing as the hours passed and I paced and I shook and I looked anywhere, everywhere but at the door. Ren had disappeared behind that door. He had been fine but then out of nowhere his machines started going crazy and the doctors rushed him away. The doctors assured me it'd be fine but then why had I been forced to sign all those papers?

"It's been over two months, Nana." Yasu had tried to reason with me but I hadn't wanted to hear him. I didn't have any wish to acknowledge how much time had passed with no signs of life from Ren. He had finally forced me to take the pen and sign my name, no longer Osaki but Honjo.

When the topic of who was in charge of deciding things for Ren arose, I was left out by Takumi and Cookie and even Yasu, until Ren's handler, Kinoshita came up with my birthday present. Like some sick joke that bastard had gone to the government office by himself and added me to his family register. This left me the only Honjo in a room full of people who wanted to be the one in charge. All I wanted was to sit back and plot my death but everyone had looked to me expectantly, some like Nobu and Kinoshita with hope shining in their eyes. Yasu had never looked so cold to me before as he told me to unplug Ren.

Every day after that, Yasu and Takumi begged me to unplug the machines. Begged me to let Ren go because he wasn't really alive. They didn't want him dead but seeing him like that hurt them worse than if he had died. The odds were slim that his hands would ever work fully again, according to various doctors and nurses. He'd be forever dependent on us if he woke up now, with a broken leg and shattered right hand. His leg would heal though, I countered and I would do everything for him if no one else wanted to. I would feed him and bathe him, and help him do everything in between, if he'd just wake up I'd do whatever he wanted.

Tick, tick, tick, the clock went on and Ren was slipping farther and farther from my grasp. His brain might have sustained damage in the crash. If he woke up nobody could say whether his mind would function properly, the body of a man but the mind of a little boy was just one of the many outcomes they had presented to me.

"Nana, it's just a minor setback. The doctors will stabilize him and he'll be fine." Ever hopeful, Hachi had said that all day but all I could do was bite my tongue against the harsh words I wanted to scream back.

'Then why hasn't he woken up yet!' Is the one thing I kept thinking over and over since I had arrived at the hospital and seen him lying there full of wires and tubes. Hachi relinquished the chair beside him as soon as I got there. They all said the doctors had assured them he was fine. 'So why won't he wake up?' Over and over like that damned clock 'why' kept ticking in my head. Day after day, why, why, why, with every tick of that damned clock.

The moment Yasu told me of his accident all I could say was, "Please don't leave me." Gin drove straight to the hospital making no stops or detours. They took me to Ren's room through a throng of paparazzi and fans. They could all hear me say it, "Please don't leave me." I didn't care. Nothing mattered to me anymore except the tiny twitches in his hand and the subtle flutter of his eye lids.

Everything was a haze to me. Reira's apologies didn't register in my mind as Shin dragged her out of the room. I barely even felt Nobu's hand on my shoulder, kind and endearing, as he tried to offer me some sort of comforting words. Nothing mattered but the fact that Ren was breathing, it was with the help of machines but he was breathing.

The papers that I had eventually been coaxed into signing were full of complicated words and covered issues Ren and I had never discussed. Things the doctors needed to know for the worst possible outcomes. I wanted so badly to resent Ren for not doing this himself a long time ago but then I hadn't done it either, we had fooled ourselves into believing we'd grow old together. Maybe I should have listened to him more carefully, but if he had ever mentioned his preference on being stuck on life support or not I couldn't recall. Either way it pissed me off, they had all promised Ren would be fine then as if to prove them wrong the machines blared to life as I signed the last paper.

"Nana," Nobu took my hand pulling me out of my thoughts. He looked sick but then, I couldn't have looked any better. At least he had showered that week, I had given up on that sort of thing. "Let's go get something to eat. My treat." His warm hand holding mine made it impossible for me to refuse.

That and I hadn't eaten in the last twenty-four hours or so. And I had seen what they had done to Reira after her fourth day of refusing to eat. All strapped down and force-fed various liquids in her own little room, Reira mumbled to herself all day like a little broken doll, pale and growing thinner with each passing day. Takumi spent most of his time with her and only stopped in Ren's room to speak with Yasu before he'd disappear again, never bothering to greet his wife when she was there. I barely had enough strength to care though, about how miserable that kind of neglected wife had to feel.

"At least he loved me." I mumbled and Nobu's ears perked up. My statement caused tears to drip into my food that I'd been poking at. "He loved me so much and I treated him like," remembering all the times I'd complained about his pointless phone calls I choked on my words. "He missed me and I blew him off. What kind of wife does that? I couldn't just answer with a hello? I had to berate him for calling." Sighing I picked at my food not expecting Nobu to say anything due to his dumbfounded expression.

"The crazy kind who can't breathe without her husband. He knows you love him, Nana. That's why he'll wake up, and you'll be nicer." It was the mantra of the group and the prayer of all the staff members and reporters who stopped by. Politely and sympathetically, _'He'll wake up.'_ Over and over I heard those words but when I agreed with the fans and well wishers I tasted a bitter flavor in my mouth, even when all I did was nod. Then there was Yasu and Takumi who tried to convince me he was already gone.

I chewed on a piece of something, I didn't know what. The food before me all looked strange and unidentifiable, inedible not like food at all. Bland and colorless and like everything else in that place it smelled putrid, of sickness and death, and disinfectant. My eyes wandered in search of a clock finding the constant tick tick ticking had become more of a comfort to me than the useless words Nobu and the others had to offer. Those gentle clicks of time slowly slipping by were bringing me closer and closer to Ren every second. With time he'd either wake up and be with me or he'd die, in which case I'd throw myself from the roof to join him. The only thing that irritated me was that it was taking so long.

How long did he expect me to wait for him to decide whether we would live or die? Imagining his pulse would slow any moment and he would slip away peacefully. In their grief no one would notice, I hoped, when I slipped away to join him. At first they might hate me, Nobu especially, and I wouldn't blame them but they would find solace in the fact that Ren and I would be together.

Taken back to Ren's room where he was stable and had more tubes than I had thought possible I sat in my chair beside his bed and lightly caressed the bandages that covered most of his body. His doctor spoke softly to me but I scarcely heard a word he said too focused on the thick white casts that were binding his hands. Ren wouldn't want to wake up if they couldn't do something about those. He never could see his worth passed his hands.

Another day or two might have passed, I couldn't be sure how long I had stayed there with my eyes fixed on his hands. Burned and fractured the doctor had looked grim when Nobu had explained Ren played guitar and needed his hands more than anything. I had always and would always think they were the most beautiful hands that had ever existed. I kissed the casts and said silent prayers that he had not sacrificed them in vain. And morbidly I thought, only his hands should take my life. That would make me happy, if he awoke just long enough to strangle me and take me with him.

There was a couch in the room which was for me to use to sleep on at night but I ignored it. I had slept seated in the chair with my head resting on the bed next to Ren. Sleeping wasn't the word for it though, it was more like I closed my eyes and pretended to fall asleep so people would stop talking to me. It was bad enough they forced me to eat the tasteless mush they called food, I would not let them keep me away from Ren any longer than I had to. I ate and returned to his room, I showered in his bathroom if they complained enough, changing into clothes Hachi or Nobu would bring me. Then I would sit and watch him sleep anxious and fearful and feeling my sanity die a little more with each tick of time, even though I had yet to see a clock.

Finally it had all become too much for me and I felt so tired. Involuntarily I began to weep and bitterly I realized that not one of my friends would know how to console me. If Ren were here, I thought, he would know exactly what to do. A few pretty words and some gentle teasing, the touch of his lips feather light against my ear or breathing over my lips. I climbed on his bed careful not to touch anything attached to him and snuggled close to his chest.

"I'll give you anything. I'd give you everything, if you'd just come back to me." I promised eyes drooping as sleep finally took my overwhelmed brain.


	3. Salvation

**Salvation - Skillet**

**All alone, lost in this abyss  
>Crawling in the dark<br>Nothing to wet my longing lips  
>And I wonder where you are...<strong>

**...Are you far?  
>Will you come to my rescue?<br>Am I left to die?  
><strong>

**But I can't give up on you **

**Ren**

I woke up face down on the cold concrete floor to the sight of black boots. I followed them all the way up to creamy thighs where lace garters held up black stockings and disappeared beneath an impossibly short leather skirt. I could smell my own cologne lingering on the woman who was staring down at me. She was slim and dainty but her dominatrix attire told me she was stronger than she looked. A black leather corset clung to her torso and her stance in that short skirt let me know she didn't care that I could see her panties.

"How long do you plan on sleeping?" She asked prodding my shoulder with her toe. I tried to reach up to grab her but my hands wouldn't move. "Don't struggle." Looking down I saw ropes tying my arms to my side, my legs were bound together as well, leaving my head the only part of me I had any control of.

Kicking me she shoved me to my back and sat on my chest. "You've been a bad boy, leaving me all alone."

"I'm sorry," I knew I was dreaming because the knife appeared in her hand out of no where. Her sadistic black smile failed to scare me, she'd never hurt me. At least I doubted she ever would kill me.

"Are you? Then why won't you wake up already?" Her voice came from behind me and her lips didn't move. I twisted my neck in search of the other her I knew was there. That one wore a striped sweater too large for her frame and nothing else that I could see. She'd been crying so much, her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. "You don't plan on leaving me forever do you?"

"No, of course not." I watched her slim bare legs carry her over to me. She'd lost weight, she was so thin she looked as if her bones would snap.

"Liar! You were going to see her!" The one on my chest gripped my chin digging her nails in and forcing me to look at her. Her knife glided down my face creating a shallow cut on my cheek. "I should punish you for that."

"You'll only drive him further away from us." She said falling to her knees and bending over my head. Her short messy hair hung down tickling my forehead. Kissing the cut she pushed the knife away. "I don't want him to leave me."

"I won't leave you, Na..." rough lips covered my own, cutting off my words with a brutal kiss. She bit down on my tongue and pulled on my bottom lip not caring how much it hurt.

"Is she who you want? This pathetic girl, who's been crying all day?"

"Of course he wants me! Without me he'd be stuck with you, you unbearable ice-cold bitch!" The dominatrix laughed sliding down my stomach until it was my hips she straddled.

"I think he likes me just fine. You're the bothersome one, with all your psychotic mood swings. Ren, tell her you don't need her here." Rolling her hips against me she made it hard for me to concentrate, but they were both waiting for me to speak.

"I love both of you." It was the truth. To me she was perfect even if she was crazy and a sadist.

"What utter bullshit. It's me he wants all to himself." She was a dressed up doll in an elaborate cage. "I sing for him and only him. Every thought I have is of him. He wants me so bad it hurts. His little house wife with three kids and a life built entirely around him. Isn't that sweet?" Cynical and defiant even though she had given in to my every whim. All around her cage there were pictures of me and children who resembled me, she wore clothes I had bought for her and a bowl of miso soup rested in her hands.

"You don't even exist!" The other two screamed at her, one crying the other holding her knife up as a blatant threat.

"Ren, you don't need them do you?" My little sadist asked still moving her hips in a slow torturous motion against me. "After all, you taught me everything I know. All that I am is thanks to you." My body reacted to her without my permission bringing a twisted smile to her lips. "See he loves me." Loud sobs echoed around the empty white space.

"Don't cry," I pleaded wishing I could make her happy.

"Shut up!" The knife swung out slicing through her sweater into her chest. They lunged for each other fighting over the knife.

"No!" Freed from my confines I forced my legs underneath me and ran to them but I could do nothing to stop the knife from plunging into her chest. "No. N...no... don't die. Don't leave me."

Naked and in one single form she fell against me, "that's my line." Useless to save her I fall to the floor cradling her head to my chest. "How many times do you plan on killing me? How long must I suffer, for not being more like her?" Confused by her words I looked down at her chest where the knife rested in my hand still stabbing into her. Melodic singing came from the cage but it was not my girl in there, it was Reira all dressed up and singing her heart out.

"You wanted her so bad you killed yourself for her."

"No! I don't want her." Setting her down on the floor I removed my leather jacket, it was full of both fresh and dried blood, our blood. I used it as a pillow for her head then took off my shirt to hold over the wound and try to stop the bleeding. "I want you. Don't you dare die on me."

"My line." She stated sullen and unconvinced. "Please don't leave me." Getting up on her knees she gripped the knife and gave it a twist. "Don't give her everything. Where's your fight? What happened to your passionate soul? I don't even know who you are anymore." Pulling the knife out she handed it over with what must have been her heart attached to it. "Sell out." It looked more like a guitar with broken strings than a heart, but it was beating and bleeding.

A sudden smile tugged at her lips then she laughed, "you have really fucked up dreams. Must be the drugs she's hooked you on."

"Stop blaming everything on her."

Sad again she glared at the woman who was still singing in the cage. "I'm so pathetic aren't I. Waiting for you to wake up when she's all you ever cared about."

She disappeared, leaving me alone and taking everything with her even the light. There is nothing without her, I don't even know who I am anymore.

'_I'll give you anything. I'd give you everything, if you'd just come back to me.'_ Warmth spread through me, starting on my left side where something soft snuggled against me. It was so unbearably warm and pain shot through me as her hand came out of no where and stabbed into my chest.

"Wake up!"

**Nana**

Sometime during the night I felt something stir beneath me. Irritated that something had interrupted my happy dreams I groped around for the blanket to pull over my head and sleep longer. I was content in my dreams with Ren and a child. Whether it was a boy or a girl I did not know but it had choppy black hair and sweet brown eyes like Ren. This child had none of my harsh looks or cynical personality. This was a cute child, easily liked and never mocked. I was slightly jealous of it for having Ren as a father. I wanted to stay in our old apartment with our loving child and never return to reality, but the bed under me shifted stiffly and gave a guttural half moan half cry.

"Ow." It sounded like it said and a foul smell penetrated my nose, it smelled of sanitized death. The noxious odor of the hospital jolted me awake and my memories of Ren and the accident flooded back causing my head to spin. A croak left his mouth and I looked up as sweet brown eyes, exactly the same as the ones in my dream, opened and snapped shut again against the dim light that I had not shut off.

"Ren, you're alive." I tried to hold it in but I was overcome with pure bliss. My arms found their way around his neck and I began to cry forgetting the machines he had hooked up to him and that he was probably confused.

"Ow!" That seemed like the only word he could get out, everything he tried to say was a garbled mess thanks to the tubes.

"I'm sorry," careful not to cause him more harm I moved away and perched myself on the edge of his bed.

That hadn't lasted long, I couldn't keep myself from touching him. Despite the tube in his mouth all I wanted to do was kiss him. Without thinking I placed a quick kiss to his cheek then his forehead and all over his jaw. He said nothing, but his eyes fogged with confusion, watched my every move. His broken hands lay limp at his side but I knew he was trying to move them. I could tell by the look in his eyes both confused and annoyed that he wanted his hands to reach up and pull my lips to his for a proper kiss. I kissed him as best I could with the tube in the way, earning a curious look. Completely unsatisfied Ren grunted and tried to spit the tube out.

"Don't hurt yourself." I said petting his hair and taking deep breaths. "You were in an accident and they put this in." Lightly tapping the tube I tried to remember what it was for. "So you could breath I think or eat maybe." Eyeing the bags of fluids hooked to him through an IV I wondered if one of those was for giving him nutrients. "I Should have listened to the doctor."

I looked at him and my eyes welled up with fresh tears staring at his open ones. "You're alive." I squeaked pressing my face to his chest. The stench of charred flesh clogged my nostrils and I cried harder. "You didn't leave me behind."

Pained noises escaped his mouth. Short groans that almost sounded like words but still the only intelligible word was, "Ow."

Apologetically I lifted my head and wiped at the bandaged mess that was his chest. Those strong lean muscles used to make me feel as if nothing could hurt me but the accident had left them scarred and they had gone unused for so long he had become as weak as any human. In my own eyes, he was no longer as out of reach to me as I had once thought, he was not a wonderful dream I had dreamed up to escape my lonely life but a reality I had taken for granted. He was my life and I had almost lost him.

Crying I looked back into his soft groggy brown eyes staring at me. At first I couldn't place the look in his eyes but the longer I stared into them the more my heart broke. Those dark depths that were losing their coma induced haze gazed back at me still filled with confusion.

"Ren, do you remember what happened?" He blinked a few times as if there were an image painted on his eyelids that could help him answer the question.

Swallowing a few times he spoke as best he could around the tube in his mouth. "I... uh... I…drrrrvvg.." It seemed he was in pain from trying to remember the full details of the accident. After some time he gave up sinking deeper into his pillows.

"Can you tell me your full name?" It was getting harder for me to breathe the longer he remained silent, and I almost wished this was a dream. "Do you know who you are?"


	4. Awake and Alive

**Ren**

My beautiful girl looked so afraid as I struggled to speak. "Honjo, Ren." Raspy and weak my voice sounded like mush, but it seemed to satisfy her that I tried. My name was Honjo, Ren, of course I knew that, but then did I know who Ren was? An orphan with no family to speak of and only one real friend he could count on. A lonesome guy who had given up on finding someone who could love him. My image of Ren, sounded more like a depressing story I had read and not actually who I was. Lonely and forgotten with only one true talent. No one needed him, not really, there were so many more musicians that he could have died and even Yasu would have moved on eventually. Did I want to be Ren?

"Okay," she sighed visibly calming. "Okay." She repeated petting the bandage on my head. "I'll get your doctor?" To my horror she rushed out of the room leaving me alone.

I closed my eyes to the silent room drifting in and out of the oblivion that threatened to claim me forever. It felt like I had spent an eternity waiting for her to come back with a man dressed in white. He came over to me scribbling something on the clipboard he carried, then shined a blinding light in my eyes. Flinching must have been the correct response because he smiled before clicking the light off and asking me if I could turn my head to look at her. With some difficulty and a lot of pain I managed to move my head to see her smiling at me.

"Ren," she squeaked, "you're alive."

I wanted to say something, to do anything but moving my head had exhausted me. I could no longer keep myself awake and I fell back into oblivion.

_'No.'_ I could hear her sobbing but the doctor had pulled her away from me.

_'It's alright people often don't wake up all at once. Opening his eyes and being able to carry out a simple command are good signs.'_

Locked in my mind again I walked aimlessly on the concrete floor.

"Aren't you a wicked boy. Scaring me like that," back in her black leather outfit she stretched out on a bed. A slice of cake rested on the bed beside her, she had bitten the strawberry on it letting the juice run down her chin. "Tell me how I should punish you." She set aside her cake and pulled out a long whip and some rope. "No, I tied you up last time, didn't I?"

I tried to say something but when I opened my mouth I began to gag. She beckoned me to her arms where I laid my head down on her chest and struggled to breath.

"It isn't very pleasant, I know, but they want you to breath on your own now." Her gleaming nails drew a line down my throat, "No more tubes."

Flipping our positions she shoved me down against the pillows then placed herself in my arms. To ease my pain I wrapped myself around her in a vise like grip that I'm sure, had she been real, would have hurt her.

"You've been in and out of consciousness for three days now, but you probably don't remember that. I asked them to take the tubes out because they seemed to be hurting you. Was I wrong?" Burying my nose in her hair I shook my head no and grit my teeth. "Why don't you think about something else for a while?"

She took my hands and placed them on the inside of her thighs.

"Na..."  
>"Shush, I'm not real, just a temporary diversion from the pain. You'll be waking up soon so you'd better touch me while you can. I'll be too pissed off to let you touch me, in any case your hands won't work in the real world." Our clothes were gone and she was directing my hands inside of herself. I couldn't help but wonder where the other one of her was and the unvoiced thought earned me a slap. Her claw-like fingers dug into my cheek dragging my face down to kiss her. "No threesomes for you even if they are with two of me."<p>

Sudden pain shot through me and I caught a glimpse of the hospital room. I'd wake up again soon but I had her here to ease the pain. She climbed over me leaving kisses all over my face. Holding me close she spoke softly into my ear but I heard nothing she said. I was too busy trying to block out the pain. I held her too tightly wishing I could stay with her like this for just a little bit longer.

"Ren. Ren?" She touched my shoulder lightly and I allowed my eyes to open. The room was white and beige, a TV was set up where I could see it and a couch held two sleeping boys. "Hi," she whispered smoothing my hair back.

Painfully I struggled to say it back to her but could only manage a guttural 'H' sound. She seemed unfazed by this and held a straw to my mouth for me. I took a few difficult sips of the cool water but could not manage to swallow all of it. She looked over her shoulder at the two boys to make sure they were still sleeping then she leaned in and licked the water dripping down my chin. I was sure this was still part of my dream but when she kissed my lips I couldn't move my hands to hold her like I wanted.

Pulling away she checked that the boys were still sleeping again. A wicked glint entered her eyes as she readjusted herself on my bed and leaned back in for a deeper kiss. Tugging on my bottom lip she climbed over me and slipped her tongue into my mouth. It hurt like hell but I didn't want her to stop. It felt good waking up to my girl.

"Mm, I should stop." She told herself more than me. Her lips lingered against mine giving me tiny pecks between her words. "Don't go back to sleep, please." Tears glistened in her eyes. "I've been going mad without you."

Wanting to give her some comfort I leaned up as much as I could and kissed her cheek. The dam broke then, releasing the tears she had tried to hold in.

"I missed you so much." Her forehead on mine she sobbed silently for a few moments.

A throat clearing startled us and she sat up straight. I tried to grit my teeth and bare the pain which came with her full weight pressing down on my stomach but I couldn't. I cried out scaring her and one of the boys, blond with a short build helped her get off of me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ren." I closed my eyes willing myself to fall back asleep and escape the pain. I felt her hands tentatively touching my left one. "Ren?"

"I'm okay," I wanted to say but it came out a mess of grunts.

"I'll get his doctor." The other boy said leaving the room.

"Nobu, call Gin. Tell him to cancel my interview." The blond boy nodded but didn't go.

He took out his phone and dialed a number, "I'll tell him if you eat something today." She nodded her agreement pouting at him. "Great I'll be waiting for you in the hallway. When his doctor comes we can go to the cafeteria." He waved at me a cheery smile brightening his face then left placing the phone to his ear.

A weary sigh passed her lips making her look tired. It was in that moment staring at her pretty face when it hit me. I had no idea who she was. But I knew her, I was sure that I knew her. I knew how breathtaking she was when she slept curled up beside me and her deep voice echoed in my head from years ago when she'd whispered her love to me. Husky lust heavy cries mocked me in my mind and a sleepy voice whispering secrets to me in the dark brought the image of kiss swollen lips. I knew her. I knew everything about her, even the things she didn't, and the things she'd prefer nobody knew. I knew all of it, yet I didn't know any of it. I could feel her slipping away, dropping her hands from mine.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" It was unnecessary to groan out something that sounded close to, _'like what?'_ I knew she was seeing the confusion in my eyes. I was looking at her like she was a stranger. As if she could read my mind she asked, "Ren, do you know my name?" Her voice cracked and she looked at me pleading. "Stop playing, it's me, Nan..." Her voice caught in her throat and, for a brief second she looked as if she were about to cry again then agitated she shoved at me. "Ren!" Clutching her chest her breath came in short gasps. "Ren, please!"

_'Don't look at me like that. Don't cry.'_ My heart ached watching the tears begin to make trails down her face again. I tried to catch the shadows that lurked on the edge of my mind. To grasp the memories but all I had was the image of her fighting with herself, a dominatrix and a broken girl stabbing each other.

"Ren!" She gasped his name, and ran out the door. It wasn't my name, I didn't want to be that abandoned boy. He was weak and compliant. His loneliness drove him to give his love away to any whore who'd have him. I didn't want to be Ren but there was no one else for me to be.

"Ren!" Yasu barged in seconds later, terror written all over him. His eyes fell on me and he crumbled for the briefest moment. "Nana, ran out crying. I thought that," like magic he suddenly rose up on his feet standing tall again. No hints of concern or grief showed on the bald man's face.

_'Finally.'_ I thought _'the world will all make sense again once Yasu explains it.'_

"Nana?" I repeated dumbly, but I doubt it actually sounded like I said her name. Yasu probably just guessed at what I had garbled out.

"Yeah she ran down the hall. Don't worry though Hachi went to find her, she'll bring her back." His voice turned stern, "what did you do? I won't be able to take care of you so you'd better apologize to your wife. No one is going to step in to save you if she decides to beat you to death."

"Wife!" Shrilly my voice cracked and I groaned in pain.

Honjo, Ren was not a marrying man, at least I felt like he wasn't. No woman was worth that hassle and I couldn't even remember her. If she wasn't important enough to remember why would I marry her. Besides marriage was just a pointless custom which I never understood. If you wanted to be with some one then you should just be with them and not have to prove to any one else that you loved them. What use were complicated marriage documents?

"Yes, your wife, Nana, the slightly insane woman who you've been obsessed with since you laid eyes on her. I still can't believe you ran backstage and called dibs like a child." He was smiling at first until I opened my mouth again.

My disbelief must have been written all over my face because Yasu removed his glasses and stepped closer to stare into my eyes. The boy from earlier came in then with a man in a white coat.

"Shin, go back out into the hallway. When Hachi finds Nana, Nobu and you are to stay by her side no matter what." The boy nodded looking at me with his brows scrunched up. "Go!" He scurried away, "and tell Takumi to come here while you're at it!" Yasu shouted after him in a state of anger I had never seen before in my usually composed friend.


	5. Only You

**Ren**

"You came back?" My sweater hung loosely off of her shoulders. It was torn in a couple of places and I could see her pale skin through the holes. Now that I had a name for her it should have been easier to sit and get to know her, but so far all I could tell was that she was in one of her nicer moods. "I'll cry if you don't learn to stay awake."

"You left." I said dumbly watching her eat a strawberry.

"I'll come back." She was nonchalant and that irritated me. This was my vision of her though. Somewhere within me there was a collection of memories, she was made up of them. This too thin girl who even when she was in a good mood, she could piss me off. "I always come back to you, don't I." It wasn't a question but a fact she sounded irritated by. "I'm pathetic that way."

Just like that my own irritation dissipated leaving only the desire to comfort her. Reassure her that I loved her and needed her. Let her know that I would always come back to her too. I didn't do any of that though because I was awake again. Abruptly and without warning I was in my hospital room with Yasu, Takumi, and my doctor. They were speaking over me in hushed tones but stopped talking when they saw me awake. My doctor moved closer to me with that damned flashlight of his to examine me.

Everything was done at a careful and meticulous pace as I woke up and fell back asleep throughout the day. One time they allowed me to try eating, another time I woke up while the nurses were redressing my left hand. I met all sorts of new, yet familiar people the first few times I awoke but the face I anxiously waited for didn't show up. No one spoke of her and I never stayed awake long enough to know if she had been coming and going. I hadn't even managed staying awake long enough to establish what year and month it was, or at least I couldn't recall anyone filling me in on that vital information. As time passed, and I was unsure of how much time or if I was waking up minutes or hours later, I had grown to resent the pretty woman. Her kisses still lingered on my skin though and slowly I drove myself crazy with a sort of yearning hatred that made me wish I could stay asleep forever.

That wish was not granted as I began to stay up longer and longer. Nurses woke me on purpose to check my pain level and inform me when some one would be visiting.

When the end of the day came Reira, sickly thin and pale, was the only one sitting with me. I remembered her right away but not that I had joined her band. She could tell me nothing of my supposed wife's whereabouts. I wasn't convinced that I was the marrying type and there was no way any woman was good enough to convince me to settle down. She wasn't even my type, rail thin with extremely dark hair but I think I had always preferred large breasts and fairer hair. I had liked Reira but I didn't wake up married to her or anything close, I woke up to a pair of full lips that I couldn't stop thinking about and eyes which haunted me every time I closed mine.

Reira shook her head, "Nana is the love of your life. You spoke of her constantly while we were touring and recording. She turned you into a love-struck romantic instead of the full of yourself playboy you used to be."

"Full of myself!" I couldn't help wondering if that was why she went after Yasu and not me. A knock at the door interrupted our conversation nearly pissing me off until I saw who was there.

The corners of my lips turned up seeing the slight figure standing in the doorway. I wasn't consciously happy but something about her made me happy even though I was confused and in pain and a little pissed at her for staying away for so long.

Her head was bowed low, eyes fixed on the floor. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," She took a few steps into the room but didn't look up at me. Like a timid kitten worried she would be chased away.

Awkward silence stretched between the three of us until standing up, Reira excused herself, "I should go back to my room so Mari doesn't have to wait any longer." Hastily she gathered her things and rushed to the door.

"Careful the mosquitoes have been sneaking in and swarming the halls." There was something wrong with the warning, it didn't sound threatening yet somehow it was unfriendly. Reira bowed her head and Nana gave her a steely look before saying goodbye.

"Goodnight, Reira," I called to my friend not noticing until too late the wounded expression on Nana's face. She glimpsed at me, an odd mechanic look before settling her gaze on the window behind me.

"Nana, come here." Speaking still caused me pain but it was worth it if I could touch her again. Her head hadn't raised to look like I had wanted. "Yasu said that you're my wife." The simple sentence caused her to flinch as if I'd hit her. "Nobu," again she flinched when I started to speak, "has been telling me all sorts of stories. And Hachi was in here with Shin." It was the names I realized. Every time I said some one's name she'd react. "Of course I have no real idea who they are."

She looked up then, eyes shining with hope, "No one? Not even Reira?"

No, I knew Reira, the one girl Yasu hadn't let me have. The crush I had on her then was still there when I woke up, and when she walked into my room my heart had skipped. I couldn't tell Nana that but unfortunately I hadn't needed to. She could see it on my face, my memories of Reira were from years ago but they were still there. In fact aside from Yasu, Reira was the only person I had a clear image of in my head. It made sense to me that I'd join her band even if I knew nothing about our band.

"Why is it always her?" I thought I'd heard her whisper but her face turned cold and hard like stone. A stiff bow and a neutral smile did nothing to convince me she was my type of wife. "You need your rest now. Tomorrow Yasu will stop by to go over things with you. You know, now that you're awake it'll be up to you whether you stay in the hospital or go home. Reira has to stay here for a few more weeks so you'll no doubt choose to stay here. Don't worry, I get it now, I'll just stay out of your way."

"Wait, Nana!" She was gone and the only thing I could do was sit there staring after her.

Watching her walk away hurt worse than my body.

**Nana**

I ran out of his room but didn't have the strength to run down the quiet hall. Pressing my back to the wall I slid to the floor and hugged my knees. If he had woken up and forgotten everyone except me I would have been happy. Had he come to with no memories to speak of, I would have been accepting. If Reira had been the only one who never existed in his mind, I would have been satisfied. Instead it was me who had been erased so thoroughly, it felt as if I meant nothing to him.

Yasu had berated Takumi for all of this, blaming him for being unable to keep Reira happy, but I blamed Reira. If she hadn't run off like a spoiled princess, Ren wouldn't have gone after her. His memories would still be intact and his body wouldn't be burnt. Then there was the paparazzi, they should have felt so guilty that showing their faces in public was no longer an option. But they sat in the hall with me, not as reporters, as the concerned citizens who had _found _his crashed car. Hours must have passed with me curled up by the wall because they only came in the early morning.

"If you think I'm letting either of you in there, you both must..." I stopped speaking at the maddening sight of that frail princess walking towards us. "This room is off limits to you."

"He's my friend. I only want to see him for a moment." Sweet and soft spoken as always, but she was sorely mistaken if she thought her act worked on me.

"I don't care what you want." Mustering all the calmness I could I spoke gently mimicking her sickeningly sweet voice. "My husband was in a coma. He crashed his car and fractured his left leg, his right arm was broken in so many places he may never be able to use it again. The whole left side of his body is covered in burns, including his all too precious hand. He can barely remember who he is." The frustration was entering my voice so I turned to the reporters who were trying to sneak behind me into the room. They jumped and sheepishly walked back to their seats. "Because of you three, I nearly lost him! So forgive me, Princess, if I don't give a damn about what you want."

"He'll want to see me, we're fr..."  
>"What fuck buddies? He's mine, nothing that might have happened between you will ever change that. I'm his wife, not you. You were busy being fawned over by Takumi while Ren was in there fighting for his life. Why are you always going after men you have no right to, my husband, Ha chi's husband, the under aged boy who shall remain nameless. Bravo on being consistent." She was quick to shed tears and the reporters were quick to offer her comfort. I didn't care, 'let them call me a bitch some more.' I thought but then Reira brushed them aside a hard glint in her eyes.<p>

Such cruel words sounded like a joke coming from her, she didn't have the acidic voice it took to make, "he doesn't even know who you are," sound like a vicious retort. Even so the words were a stab in my heart, but it was my fault for pushing her buttons. Instantly contrite she began to apologize but having been reminded of why I was in the hallway I held up my hands to silence her.

"Right, I forgot I was giving up. Go right on in and claim your prize Reira. You broke him down, you fix him. I'm done with that sell out."

Later that day search misquoted my words to make me out to be a villain. According to them I had abandoned Ren when he needed me. He could no longer play guitar so he was useless to me and my celebrity status.

Sometime later that week they reported that I had moved on with one of the actors in the drama I was in. And in the weeks to follow I was linked to so many different men even Yasu was starting to question my loyalty to Ren.

"He's been asking for you. Your drama aired it's first episode last night and he asked the nurses if they could record it for him." Yasu had cornered me in my dressing room.

"That's my Ren the charmer. He can get anyone to do anything for him." Pretending not to care I continued to touch up my make up.

"Do you even care how he's doing?" I did but thinking about him only made my heart ache worse so I avoided the topic as often as I could. Taking a step closer Yasu studied my eyes in the mirror. "I don't know what to think of you anymore. Some times I find myself agreeing with those magazines, then there are the pictures. Pictures of you out partying of all things while Ren rots away in bed. He won't get up and try, Nana, and every time the door opens he perks up hoping for you, but of course it's never you."

"I wasn't partying, I was being polite to my costars who invited me. Besides, you don't know that he's hoping it's me." Why couldn't Yasu understand? Ren had abandoned me not the other way around. "He doesn't even know me."

"But he wants to." At my silence Yasu shook his head. "Come see Ren. I don't think I can save him."

I was alone again before I knew it and Yasu stopped coming around to check on me after that. It didn't take him long before he no longer called or emailed me either. He stopped begging me to go see Ren, Hachi stopped casually bringing him up, and Shin focused on his own career rather than speak to me about anything. But I didn't walk on egg shells around any of them choosing instead to laugh and smile and if Ren was ever mentioned a few snide remarks were enough to end the conversation. I refused to deny any rumors, and I even started a scandal or two when I was told not to. Nobu and Mai denied them for me and made excuses. I laughed both of them off when they advised me to slow down and rest.

No one was allowed to know how completely miserable I was, or how unhappy a chore singing had become for me. The painful task of breathing exhausted me too much to hit the right notes. I couldn't remember my lines or the lyrics but work was all I had left.

It was Reira of all people who finally convinced me to go see him.

"You know Ren wrote that song about you." During a practice of a new song Gaia had given to me,shewaltzed in. "Gaia bought it for a very generous price. Since he might never write another song it was a highly coveted piece of work. Cookie needs money so they offered it to the company they knew would pay the most. Isn't it just so perfect, Nana Osaki singing Ren's last love song."

"Reira," I acknowledged her curtly drinking from my bottle of what I pretended was water. "You've gained weight. That's a relief, I thought for sure you'd sneeze one day and break all your frail bones. So glad you won't being dying on us." But I wasn't sorry at all, I was morbidly disappointed by her health. She slapped the bottle out of my hand splashing the clear liquid on the both of us. "What the hell!"

Her tiny hands shoved at me in frustration. They had no effect on me however, and only served to piss her off more.

"Do you know who sits with Ren all day, no one! Not one damn person because he's banned everyone from visiting him. He only wants to see you. " I scoffed in her angry red face.  
>"Whatever, I'm so sure your sweet lover threw you out of his room. Men always send away the girl they almost get themselves killed over." If she hadn't run away would Ren ever have come to get me? I wondered then, "why is it that when you run he chases after you?" For some reason I couldn't hide my pain in front of her.<p>

She shook her head and the motion reminded me of Yasu. "To you it's just another song, but Ren would have wanted you to hear it." I cringed at yet another reminder that she was closer to him than I was. A sigh passed her lips, no longer dry and cracked from malnutrition. "Takumi made an announcement today. It seems Ren has decided that Trapnest should begin searching for his replacement. He's adamant that we don't disband and well I've never been good for anything other than singing. How pathetic am I, even now I care that without my voice I'm useless to Takumi." Our eyes locked then. In an odd way she understood me better than any of my friends.

"So he's all alone in that place?" Why had no one else told me he was refusing guests? Looking down at the song lyrics I decided that it wouldn't hurt to go check up on him.


	6. Never Alone

**Ren**

I had been awake for two hours before the nurses and doctor came in with Yasu. Nobu stumbled in while I was in the bathroom and I could hear my two friends mumbling about _'her'_ in hushed tones, through the door. I heard enough to know that she had punched Nobu for trying to force her to come visit me.

Nobu had introduced himself and we spoke at length twice that first day before I finally remembered who he was. The band we had formed and anything passed that was still a fog to me but I knew who he was, or at least who he had been as a years ago.

"What is the last thing you can remember?" The doctor asked taking out a tiny flashlight. I had grown used to this but that didn't mean I liked the light in my eyes. Each time they asked me that question I seemed to be able to recall something more recent though I was still years behind.

I thought for a moment then I told the doctor about having breakfast with Moriko or Emi or was her name Akane? It definitely wasn't Nana and I sure as hell wouldn't have married her, she couldn't cook. If I remembered correctly she had invited herself to stay with me weeks ago and at first that was fine with me, but I had been growing impatient and sick of her presence. We'd had a fight because she wanted me to skip a gig to spend time with her on Christmas. She wasn't even my girlfriend yet she demanded my time and attention.

"She burnt the food," I might have thrown her out, I was so sick of her complaints. "I wanted her to leave already." My mind wandered from throwing out the clingy girl to going to work. "I went to work and I think I saw Nobu and invited him to our gig. We're playing a special Christmas gig so I gave him two tickets, but I guess we already did that. I gave him a ticket for him and one for his girl."

"How old are you Ren?" My doctor asked but I couldn't remember how old Nobu had said I was. He always told me too much so he was no longer permitted to be alone with me. Yasu and the doctors had agreed that I should remember things on my own.

"Eighteen?" I already knew that was wrong.

Clicking off his flashlight the doctor scribbled illegibly on my chart. "It's been a couple of days since you first woke up." He took my bandaged hand and began to unwrap it. "How are you feeling?"

A look passed between him and Yasu and not for the first time since waking up I got the sense that there was some hidden meaning behind the routine question. I could have told him I was miserable and in need, of what I didn't know but I wanted it bad. By the way he posed the question as if waiting for me to feel something unusual I could tell it was nothing good.

"Fine I guess." I answered determined to make it true. If I told myself I didn't want it, I hoped I wouldn't need it. I could make believe that nothing was missing except my wife, but I knew deep down that she wasn't the only reason I felt so empty.

"Good." Scribbling on his chart he turned my hand.

"Where is my _loving_ wife at the moment?" My tone was harsher than I had intended and I could tell it seemed to worry Yasu. The doctor paid no mind to me as he examined my melted hand.

"Your left hand is healing nicely." There was a curious R stamped all over it which Hachi had explained to me was from a chain Nana had given me. Her name was also Nana and I found the name could be very cute if it came with a sweet voice and smiling face. Had my Nana smiled when I woke up? I remembered her tears but I could not imagine those lips upturned and happy for any reason. The more I thought of her the more I was convinced she was a miserable person who did not want to be near me. She must have been disappointed when I woke up, that's why she never visited. But then I had not imagined the kisses that left my skin tingling with a need I had never felt so strongly before.

"Nana is," Nobu started but there was a knock on the door that interrupted him. I looked up nervous and hopeful but the voice that requested to come in was not that of my wife. Though she was still very pretty and I was happy to see her my smile wavered when Nobu opened the door for Reira. There were two other people in the hall with her, familiar faces that I quickly recognized.

"Naoki, long time no see. I was wondering when you'd come to visit me." I allowed the blond to hug me and nodded back to Takumi who leaned against a wall.

"Takumi says they're releasing me today. I'll be going back to work so I won't be able to visit you as much." Reira sniffed seating herself on the floor by my legs. "How long do you think you'll keep him locked up here?" She asked turning pleading eyes to the doctor. "He'll want to get back to work too." I looked down into her expressive eyes pooling with tears. "You will come back to the band won't you. I won't sing for anyone else."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I couldn't so much as grip a guitar. How could I play something I couldn't hold? Takumi however had no problem coldly scolding her.

"I told you not to ask Ren such foolish questions. His only job right now is getting better." He was as heartless as my wife was proving to be. "Saying selfish things like that will only make him push too hard and he'll hurt himself. Don't forget how he ended up here in the first place." No one would tell me that either but they liked to argue and blame each other for it. Yasu had growled those same words at Takumi a few times when they thought I was asleep.

My doctor stood still writing on my chart. "With a lot of effort and a lot of pain Ren should gain function in both hands. Nothing will come easy and it may always be difficult for him to function as he normally would but he'll be able to do basic things eventually. His leg will be fully healed soon. He's very lucky but relearning the guitar will take extra time and effort. He may never reach his past skill level again." He turned to Yasu then. "Good moral support is imperative so that he doesn't have a relapse. Where is his wife? He'll need to be released into her custody." Relapse? I wanted to ask him about his choice of words but didn't think I'd get a straight answer.

"He can go home with me." Both Yasu and Takumi assured the doctor who's eyes narrowed.

"So he can, but I'm recommending you send him home with her. He doesn't watch the door waiting for any of you to come." No I was waiting for that damned woman and every time the door opened to reveal some one else my body shook just a little, craving some sort of release from the pain. I think my doctor knew exactly what I wanted to cure the ache in my heart, even if I didn't.


	7. Say Something

**Ren**

I saw her on TV. It was like our whole relationship was made up by the media. I saw ten stories a day about my grieving spouse. Twenty more about my cheating wife. A bitch, a slut, rude and inappropriate, and she had a drinking problem. Why were most of the reports worded in ways that made it seem as if I had died?

**'Ren would be ashamed.' 'If Ren could see her now.' 'Osaki Nana moving on.'**

"Osaki Nana. Had she not taken my name?" Maybe initially I woke up in love with the sweet facade of a woman in love but as time passed without a single visit I grew to believe she wasn't really all that important. The whole marriage, I thought must have been a publicity stunt to make her seem more lovable than she actually was. No one would tell me the truth about her so I had to draw my own conclusions about the singer.

"Sorry I'm not much help. Nana and I never got to know each other and now I think she hates me even more." Reira apologized twisting her fingers together nervously. "Don't look like that!"

"Like what?" Trying to relax my face I wondered if she could tell I was thinking how much better it would've been if I had woken up married to her.

"Like you think she's the one with the problem." She huffed pointing an accusatory finger at herself. "I am the bad one not her. I know that now, I do and say selfish things never giving other people any thought. That's what Shin says, and it's true. But not Nana, all she does is think about you but the sight of you all disfigured must hurt her so much she can't stand it." Proud of herself for the assessment she beamed at me.

I doubted Nana really cared at all about me that was why she couldn't be bothered to visit.

With this thought in my mind I refused visitors the next day. If that door kept opening without her behind it I didn't know what I'd be driven to do. It didn't help though as the insane need to see that hateful woman only grew along with my loneliness. It didn't take me long to ban everyone especially Reira from coming. Her face only made me yearn for a wife like her, loving and attentive. Yasu, I knew, stood in the hallway every day. The only person I had ever had, but even he was sick of me.

"You have to get out of this bed Ren. Don't just give up." The only reply I had for him was a blank look before I turned my head back to the drama I'd been watching. "Ren," he reached out and his hand almost touched my burned arm before he pulled back and left. No one but the doctor and nurses touched my scars.

It wasn't until weeks later when I next saw her. A rotten sight with no facial expression of any kind as she was shoved into the room and forced to sit beside my bed. I knew she had come on her own and sat in the hall for a few days but they couldn't talk her into entering my room, nor me into getting up and trying to use my healing leg. Yasu and Nobu stood guard at the door so she couldn't run but they couldn't force her to speak. She just sat there her eyes fixated on my healing left hand, useless and limp. I couldn't get it to perform any of the simple tasks my physical therapist had instructed me to do. For a musician hands that do not work mean I can no longer work. Part of me wondered if that was part of her problem with me, because I would no longer be a rock star. The man she had agreed to marry was gone, replaced by an invalid. Neither of us said anything to the other and when a nurse showed up to clean and dress my burns Nana asked if she could be excused. Nobu took her somewhere then and Yasu staid to speak with the doctor and check that I was being well cared for. Like I was a child and he was the dutiful parent, but in reality I just felt like he was looking down on me. Because he had always had so much and I never had anything.

I had been trapped in the room too long, I was growing agitated and in need of relief. There were times my body felt so drained that I shook violently. I had to be sedated more than a few times to ease the pain. She was always there in my dreams to comfort me, or mock me depending on her mood. More often then not her mood depended on mine. She could start off smiling with a cigarette in one hand, beckoning me closer with the other. If I was in a mood to fight all I had to do was ignore her, then she'd pounce on me demanding my attention. I liked her like that, needing my eyes on her. If I went to her though, I could have her body in any way I wanted. I liked her like that too, purring and mewling begging me for more. In my dreams she was a lot less difficult to handle then she was in reality where we sat awkwardly in silence.

A few times I attempted to speak to her. I said hello once, her mouth twitched a little before she settled herself on the chair and turned to the pages she had brought with her to read. As time passed she came less reluctantly and with only Nobu but still she would stroll in turn the chair to the TV and we sat in silence not actually watching the drama that played out on it. Since I wasn't really paying attention to it I failed to notice until it was ending that she had been in it.

"Are you doing two dramas?" Tired eyes flinched over to me but quickly returned to the screen. I continued to stare at her emotionless face and grew troubled by what I saw. Her cheek bones were less prominent when I first saw her and even though she looked pale then I was sure she had not been so pasty white and sickly looking. Again the nurse came cheerful and pleasant to tend to my wounds. It must have taken some effort on her part to smile walking into the tense quiet room. Nana nodded to her but left without as much as a glance in my direction.

"Why does she even bother coming?" I asked no one when the nurse was gone, but even as I was thinking she was the most terrible woman to be married to, I was hoping she would come back.

The next day there was a knock on my door around noon, after my burns had already been checked. My hopes that this meant she'd stay longer were squashed when Reira popped her head in smiling from ear to ear.

"You're looking well today, Ren." I heard that pleasant voice singing my name and wondered that I felt nothing. "I hope it's alright for me to visit. Takumi mentioned that Nana has been visiting." There was a time when I wanted her and believed myself in love with her, or at least I felt I could love her if given the chance. But looking at her I felt nothing remotely romantic. There was love and I was glad to see her but her face wasn't the one I had been waiting for.

Every time she visited me I couldn't help smiling. The ease of being with her almost made me feel normal, as if I were not disfigured and useless. She talked at length about her day to me and never failed to tell me she missed me every few minutes. So why were my eyes constantly drifting to the door in search of those dull plain brown ones that held no love for me.

"I wish you had been there. It was just Takumi, Naoki and I against all those reporters. Of course Takumi is really good at that sort of thing but for him to announce that with no emotions as if you were gone for good," her face scrunched up in distaste. Takumi had decided to announce that they were searching for my replacement and she hadn't liked the idea. She had even threatened to quit the band for good until I called her to talk her out of it. Even if I could not remember being part of it I didn't want to be the reason our band had to completely break up.

"I hate that I have to sing without you playing. Won't your hands get better over time? We could wait." She pouted and I wished I could hold her. I wanted to tell her to wait for me, but as it was I couldn't make my left hand do much of anything and the right was more trapped than I was in its scribbled on cast.

"Gripping and holding things is something the doctor said will come with time, hard work, and patience, but by the time I heal Trapnest will be forgotten by more than just me." Her face fell ready to cry, "I'm sorry, I should have protected my hands better." I wished I had let myself die. Death would've been better than living a life without my guitar.

"Well next time remember that. We're the same, you and I. All I have is my voice and all you have are your hands. Work hard to regain your true self, Ren. I will make sure Takumi lets you come back to Trapnest." She meant to be sweet and supportive but it only made me feel miserable. Her words confirmed my fears that there was nothing good left about me for that stranger wife of mine to love.

Rapidly switching her mood she reached in to a bag she had brought with, "I brought in your favorites see."

She pulled a boxed lunch out and began feeding me various foods cut into animal shapes. I had been stuck on hospital food and would have accepted anything from the outside but as childish as it may have been I was disappointed by the lack of miso soup. It was the thought that counted though so I ate every piece she held up to me. My meal was cut short by the door opening suddenly and I swore that I saw an expression on Nana's face. The door shut on her before she could enter and I missed my chance to decipher the emotion behind her withering smile.

"I'll wait in the van." Her words were muffled by the heavy door. Reira was frozen by the sound and she seemed to be fighting with herself on the inside.

"But you were so happy a moment ago. I was shocked you took the day off and everything." Yasu opened the door and I stared at the fixed blank expression. Not a smile nor a frown, her mouth was a grim line of deep red. "Ren, has been released into his wife's care. Isn't that great, Reira?"

His implied warning was clear to everyone even me though I was not sure what Reira had done to upset him. 'Isn't she allowed to spend time with me?'

"I'll wait in the van with Nobu." My wife mumbles ready to bolt as far from me as she can.

"No, Nana I should leave." Reira insisted hurriedly packing up my lunch.

"Weren't you satisfied ruining one marriage?" Finally an emotion, vivid seething rage. I didn't understand her sudden flare of anger and it pissed me off that it was directed at Reira. Though, I could not deny that the deathly glare in her eyes turned me on. "Here I thought we could finally understand each other but I just don't get your need for married men."

"Nana, I," she was gone before Reira could finish whatever she was about to say.

Yasu steps in, "don't worry about her misplaced emotions. She hasn't had a cigarette in a few days and today is her first day off. She's dealing with this the best she can, it's not easy for her." It was impossible to tell what he was thinking with those dark glasses covering his eyes but his voice sounded strained.

"I know." Defeated Reira responded taking a few steps towards him and the door.

"If you know then make it easier for her by not visiting married men so much!" His sudden outburst caused her to jump in fear. "Make things easier for yourself too and stop this thing with Takumi before Search gets solid proof." She nodded scurrying away as quickly as possible. Turning to me he seemed to try to hold his tongue but couldn't. "Try harder to remember that you love that girl more than anything. Try really fucking hard Ren because I have tried to fix her, Hachi and Nobu and everyone else has tried to make her eat and take care of herself but all she does is work and drink. She's killing herself because she is hurt and has no idea how to deal with the pain." Calmer than before he wheeled my chair over to me. "The doctor thinks you need a change of scenery so you'll be going home today. You've been released into her custody, hopefully it'll do you both some good. She needs you Ren. You may not remember but you are the only one who can save Nana."

**Nana**

He looked so happy speaking with her and I couldn't help the jealous rage that threatened to boil over in a childish tantrum. He might have been in the car accident but it was my world that was crashing to a halt. Knowing that he had remembered her but had forgotten me was enough to make me hate her, even more than I ever had before. It was just more proof that he didn't want me in his life. Then there they were eating lunch together like some stupid love sick couple, I could barely breathe and had to bite my tongue to keep myself from screaming at him.

Breaking apart inside I didn't know who I could turn to or if I even had anyone left who would put up with me. In the end singing was all I had but then that was also given to me by Ren. Why did everything I had have to be connected to him in some way? Even Nobu and Hachi had somehow become closer to him than me. Alone I wandered aimlessly out the front door without thinking. The mosquitoes swarmed not caring that I was crying, involuntary tears streaming down my face in an ugly mess.

_'Maybe I'm a terrible wife.'_ The thought had crossed my mind more than once, even before his accident. I thought I was too mean and not good enough for him. It was with that thought that I threw myself into work because I didn't feel like thinking about him or dwelling on the pain. There was also the matter of his addiction which Hachi had finally filled me in on. I couldn't allow myself to speak to him so that in a fit of anger or a moment of despair I wouldn't drive him back to old habits. It was easier for me to think of it as a mental illness just like my attacks. We were both sensitive people with bad habits.

Determined to set a good example I recommitted myself to improving my life by throwing out some bad habits. I quit smoking again to improve my voice but that only lead to me drinking more . The problem was I was irritable and starving but my stomach cramped so bad I could hardly eat, all my body wanted was a cigarette or a large bottle of something strong. It didn't help that the damned mosquitoes were everywhere watching me, making me want to claw their eyes out. Making matters worse Reira seemed to be a better wife to Ren then I had ever tried to be. She had barged in to the studio and demanded that I go see him because he was miserable. So for two days I sat there too afraid to go in his room. Finally Nobu gripped my arm and shoved me in but I couldn't open my mouth for fear of blurting out something stupid. Ren had no memory of his addiction and he had been in a coma for the physical withdrawal but his dependency ran deeper than physical need. So I sat next to him not wanting to tell him about it but needing to scream at him and all I could think was that I should just let Reira have him.

Reira however had also been caught up in a scandal when a paparazzi had snapped a picture of her and Takumi in a compromising position. Rumors of them having an affair had been rapidly replacing the ones about me.

"Nana, where's Ren?" Nobu questioned when I got close enough to the van for her to whisper to me. Shin yelled at the paparazzi to back off but of course their cameras continued to flash annoyingly at us.

"Right behind me bonding with Yasu." She peaked behind to see the ever stoic bald man but no Ren. "Maybe he likes the food here."

"He says he won't go home with a stranger."

'Stranger!' Pissed I shoved passed the paparazzi with their stupid cameras and stomped my way back to his room. He was just sitting there watching some pointless anime when I barged in. That was as far as I got before I realized I had no idea what to do or say. It wasn't just him who didn't know me, I had no idea who this Ren was either. He was right, we were strangers.

It occurred to me that he must be lonely not knowing who he was. I walked over depressed with myself for being unable to muster a smile.

"I'm Nana," simple enough words but they felt so heavy. He turned from the TV and made eye contact with me. "I'm your…" He nodded with a smile and waited for me to say more. But I had nothing to say, I didn't know if I should sit down and tell him my favorite color or that we had spent most of the year trying to fight the urge to kill each other. I could not think of any conversation that didn't lead to us fighting. I trained my eyes to the burns on his chest. They looked painful but they were healing nicely, Yasu had said that soon he wouldn't need to bandage them but his arm would be in a cast for another week or so. His leg was better, than his hand and the bruises had gone away too, but he'd always have the burn scars on his left side. They covered his torso and crept up his neck to his handsome face, I wanted to kiss every inch of those scars and magically take away the pain.

"That's it?" He made me jump and our eyes met. "What's your problem? At least look at your husband when speaking to him and smile, don't look so miserable just because you have to visit me. I didn't ask for you to come!" Before I could gain control of myself I was crying."Wait, Nana! I didn't mean that you shouldn't have come here." He paused probably still waiting for me to say more. "I wanted to see you. Is that strange? I can't stop thinking about you and the longer you stayed away the more agitated I became. I don't know you, you're a stranger to me and you're cold and neglectful. Yet I've been here wanting to see you, and touch you, and eat food you sneak in for me, and just hear you talk about nothing. Nana, say something."

Even after listening intently to him confess his feelings I couldn't think of anything good to say. _'What would Ren do if our roles were reversed?'_ Thinking like him I advanced closer irritated by the word stranger, again. _'Is that how he felt then? So he had to kiss me to prove we were closer than I had wanted to admit.'_ Our first kiss was a simple press of his lips to mine after I made some comment about not wanting to die for something I hadn't done with a stranger.

"Nana," my lips interrupted whatever he was about to say.

"We're not strangers." I said firmly when I pulled away. His eyes were wide open and he was flushed a cute shade of pink. It was something I took pleasure in as he had done so many times after causing the same reaction in me.

Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed he smiled. "Okay." I pushed the high tech wheel chair to him, the best Yasu's money could buy but he shook his head. "I'd rather walk."

"You can walk?" Genuinely surprised I stared at him dumbfounded when he stood on shaky legs.

"I'm supposed to try to walk but usually in therapy I only make it as far as the bathroom." He began to take small slow steps and my heart pounded anticipating that he'd fall and break himself some more. Tired by the time he made it to the door he swore and leaned on it. "Damn that hurts. That's what I get for trying to impress the pretty girl."

Giving up he sat in the chair grumbling about how Yasu was so generous it hurt. To ease his pain I leaned down and laid a kiss on his lips.

"Your prize for impressing the pretty girl." I answered his questioning look.

"Really?" Flirty he held my gaze. "I have hand exercises I have to do, they might impress you even more. What'll I get then?"

"Nothing you perv." Despite myself I smiled

**End**

**I hope you liked it.**


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